我跟我妈说，我有抑郁和双相的时候，她的第一反应是，你在撒谎！我要看病历，我要看证据。当时心灰意冷、刚死里逃生的我，没有心情跟她解释那么多，更别说之前解释了这么久她也从来没有听过。我从很小的时候就抑郁，我第一次有自杀的想法的时候，6岁不到(上小学前）。我想从4楼跳下去，我仔细的想了一下这样做能不能死成，我的结论是假设死不成会很痛苦。我放弃了。而想自杀的理由很简单，只是因为我妈妈需要带很多小朋友到对面的餐厅，她需要我们手牵手，我拒绝。我说我不去了，她说那你自己回去吧。就因为在我想寻求她的关心的时候、她忽视我、把别的小朋友放在第一位，我回家之后感受到了极深的自我毁灭情绪。事实上，这并不是什么大事，但我妈似乎一直把我放在所有其他的人的后面。以至于每次这件事发生，不管多小，我都会快速情绪升级，这是个极其不理智、自动自发的过程。她总是可以那么容易的激怒我。

似乎从小我妈就很介意她在家里的 “地位”。我妈小时候总是跟我说，她到十八岁会把我赶出家门、让我自食其力，另外家里的房产证跟我没关系、这不是我的家、是她和我爸的家，他们随时可以赶我出去。这让我一直非常没有安全感，和非常粗糙的“家”的概念。“家”似乎总是混乱的、让人焦虑的、让人情绪激动的、不可预测的、不讲道理的、封闭的、暴力的。这个字没给我带过什么太好的感觉，但“家乡”却有很多好的记忆。包括其他的生活场所，也有很多开心的事情。以至于我在家以外的地方，都比在家放松和开心。

因为我妈的这种“地位感”，和她一直强调的她对我有各种权利、但我对她只有义务，以及谁需要听谁的、等各种我根本不在意、也不知道是什么意思的一些话，不断地让我产生某些对自身自由、权利的一些思考。好像她反复的在告诉我，什么叫政治、这是政治，我可以欺负你没有后果、你最好乖乖听话。我不知道她是不是有什么情感障碍，我很那想象我之后如果有孩子，我会这样对待他们。但在她的认知里，这是合理的、正常的。我其实并不相信所谓的“认知论”，比如某某某没做成什么什么是因为认知。我不确定这些人是不是真的知道所谓的认知是什么意思，以及这跟所谓的成功学有什么关系。我只知道，对待有情感的动物，尤其是自己的孩子，我恐怕会比较上心。

ChatGPT Translation:

When I told my mom that I had depression and bipolar disorder, her first reaction was: “You’re lying! I want to see your medical records. I want proof.” At the time, I had just barely survived and was feeling completely disheartened—I had no energy to explain everything to her, especially considering I had already tried to explain many times before and she had never listened. I had been depressed since I was very young. The first time I had suicidal thoughts, I wasn’t even six. I wanted to jump from the fourth floor. I thought carefully about whether I would actually die from it. My conclusion was that if I didn’t die, it would hurt a lot. So I gave up. And the reason I wanted to die was simple: my mom had to take a group of little kids to the restaurant across the street, and she needed us to hold hands. I refused. I said I didn’t want to go, and she told me, “Then go home by yourself.” Just because, in a moment when I was trying to seek her attention and care, she ignored me and put other kids first, I went home and felt this deep, destructive emotional spiral. Objectively, it wasn’t a big deal. But it always felt like my mom put me behind everyone else. So every time this happened—no matter how small the incident—my emotions would escalate quickly. It was an irrational, automatic process. She could always anger me so easily.

It seemed like from early on, my mom was very concerned with her “status” in the household. When I was little, she used to tell me that once I turned 18, she would kick me out and make me support myself. Also, she made it clear the house deed had nothing to do with me—that this wasn’t my home, it was hers and my dad’s, and they could throw me out at any time. That left me with an overwhelming sense of insecurity, and a very crude, fragile concept of “home.” “Home” always seemed chaotic, anxiety-inducing, emotionally triggering, unpredictable, unreasonable, closed-off, and violent. That word never brought me any positive feelings. But “hometown” carried many good memories. And other living places brought plenty of happiness too. So much so that I always felt more relaxed and happy anywhere buthome.

Because of this “status complex” my mom had, and the way she constantly emphasized how she had all kinds of rights over me, but I only had obligations to her—along with things like “who should listen to whom,” and a bunch of things I didn’t care about or even understand—she constantly forced me to think about my own freedom and rights. It was as if she was constantly trying to teach me what politics is—“this is politics, I can bully you with no consequence, and you better obey.” I don’t know if she has some kind of emotional disorder. It’s hard for me to imagine that if I ever have children one day, I would treat them the way she treated me. But in her mind, it’s all reasonable and normal.

To be honest, I don’t really believe in this whole “cognition theory” thing—for example, the idea that someone failed at something because of a cognitive problem. I’m not sure people who talk about cognition even understand what that word really means, or what it has to do with the so-called “science of success.” All I know is, when it comes to dealing with sentient beings, especially your own children, I would probably care a whole lot more.