这种东亚女性之间的前后辈、上下级关系经常让我觉得比男性之间的等级关系更加森严。男性之间惺惺相惜、公平竞争，似乎比女性之间的惺惺相惜、公平竞争来的常见得多。在我看来，是因为男性是强势群体、相互支持等于自我支持。有研究表明所谓的兄弟情谊和某些性取向有某些关联，越是在意自己如何被其他男性看待的男人，更有可能对同性也有交往意向 (don’t quote me on this)。而作为女性的弱势群体，似乎相互支持不如依附强势。弱势群体相互扶持的前提，似乎是大家都是弱势。一旦这样的权力平衡发生改变、关系的某方变强，这种相互扶持便容易发生改变。

在婆婆家，我深刻的感觉到了这种“需要遵守她的指导”的被命令感，似乎我结婚了，我就突然是这个家的奴隶，更准确的说，我是她的下属。我没有这样的想法和意愿。一个星期下来，各种问题层出不穷。小儿子放任他的猫欺负Moira，却在moira反击的时候，过来用日语通知Daiga他要剪moira的指甲。我知道那只不过是他欺负moira的借口，我说不行。他说，大部分猫都可以剪指甲，言下之意，为什么你家猫不行。我解释，她对这件事很敏感、而且我们不介意，你介意，是你的问题。你别碰她，别让你家猫惹她，不就完了。

但在这之前，我已经经历了小儿子说我们可以用他的车，但因为没及时把油加满，他不直接跟我们沟通、反而通过他妈（他26、27左右的年纪）告诉他哥哥，你没有常识。Daiga直接暴走，我黑脸。我说那别用他车了，租一个，家里人又会说，那你可以用小儿子的车。我不理解这种强行限制于我们在他们的管辖范围之内、即便在他们无法提供我们需要的资源的情况下、也不允许我们使用通过自己能力和正当手段获得的资源解决问题、以展现他们的全能和权威到底是几个意思。

似乎只要在她们家，不管我做什么，都需要允许、都需要被批准。不管我做什么，都需要被指导、被要求只能完全一致的遵守她们的先后顺序和细节，因为她们也是“这样过来的”，所以她们对我们的要求都是“合理”的。这很像一个姐妹会，但是人生制的，而且整个社会参与进来，相互敌对、相互压迫。一定有某些利益集团在sustain这种权力架构，我想可能就是整个厌女的东亚的每一个人吧。也包括曾经的我，我厌女、因为我讨厌自己是女性。

ChatGPT Translation:

The hierarchical relationships between East Asian women—be it senior-junior or superior-subordinate—often feel even more rigid to me than those among men. Camaraderie and fair competition seem more common between men than between women. In my view, this is because men are part of the dominant group; supporting each other is essentially a way of supporting themselves. Some studies suggest that the idea of “brotherhood” is linked to certain sexual orientations—men who care more about how they are perceived by other men are also more likely to be attracted to them (don’t quote me on this).

As women, part of a marginalized group, mutual support doesn’t seem as viable as attaching oneself to a position of power. The precondition for solidarity among marginalized people seems to be that everyone stays marginalized. The moment there’s a shift in the power dynamic—when one side gains strength—that support network starts to unravel.

At my mother-in-law’s house, I deeply felt this sense of being ordered around—this feeling that I must “follow her guidance”—as if getting married suddenly made me a servant of this family. Or more precisely, her subordinate. I never had that thought or intention. Over the course of the week, problems just kept coming up. Her younger son let his cat bully Moira, but when Moira fought back, he ran over and told Daiga in Japanese that he was going to trim Moira’s nails. I knew it was just an excuse to punish her, so I said no. He replied, “Most cats can have their nails trimmed,” implying—why can’t yours? I explained that she’s sensitive about it, and more importantly, we’re fine with it. If you’re not, that’s your problem. Don’t touch her. Just keep your cat away from her. That’s it.

But before that, I’d already gone through a situation where the younger son told us we could use his car, but when we didn’t fill the gas tank quickly enough, instead of talking to us directly, he told his mom (he’s about 26 or 27), who then told his older brother, “You have no common sense.” Daiga lost it. I went cold. I said, fine, let’s not use his car—let’s rent one. But then the family said, “Why don’t you just use the younger son’s car?” I don’t understand this insistence on keeping us under their control—on not allowing us to use our own means and legitimate methods to solve problems, even when they themselves can’t provide what we need. All to maintain this illusion of their power and omnipotence. What even is that?

In their home, it feels like no matter what I do, I need permission. Everything must be approved. No matter what I do, it must be instructed, guided, done exactly the way they do it, in the exact same order and detail—because “that’s how they did it,” so all their demands on us are “reasonable.” It’s like being in a sorority, but one that lasts your whole life—and worse, one where the whole society takes part, everyone mutually hostile and mutually oppressive. There must be some vested interests sustaining this power structure. Maybe it’s just every single person in East Asia who upholds misogyny. That includes the old me. I used to be misogynistic—because I hated the fact that I was a woman.