Reinventing Myself Every Decade

I’m 32. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. When my dad was 30, he already had me. I’m not sure how long my eggs will be good for, but I do know that I want to have kids, which means I should maybe look into freezing eggs soon, but isn’t that expensive, wait, where was I again? 

I’m 32. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m still the same person I was when i was 14, but less depressed, more stable, a lot more confident, know what I want, know how to get what I want, will do what I don’t feel comfortable doing for what i want, learning that all these things I thought i was not ok with I actually don’t care for, and that what I truly need to live and be happy is actually very little. 

I’d like to reinvent myself every decade, that sounds like an extremely exciting idea, an idea I would like to try. I’m a very greedy person, or some people call that being ambitious. What it’s called doesn't matter to me, what matters to me is I want more, more time, more experience, more growth, more everything. Like I said, I only live once. But general relativity tells us, if you travel too fast, when you return, even though you still look the same, you’d realize that your family and friends, everyone you care about would have aged and maybe passed away, like Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar. When I change too fast, I leave people behind. I don’t want to leave people behind, I want to stay with everyone I like and I've met at all times. See? I’m greedy. Or should I say, ambitious. I want everything, everywhere, all at once. 

I’d like to reinvent myself every decade on the outside. I’d change my hair. I’d change my makeup, I’d change the way I dress, I’d change the words I use, I’d change the food I eat. But I won’t change the way I think, the way I speak, the way I act, the way I would always tell you things you don’t want to hear about, say it’s for your own sake, only to tell you to shut up when you do the same to me. I won’t change the way I forcefully hug Moira, or Luna, or whoever it might be then, even if they get super shy and want to run away. I won’t change the way I remember all the little details of things you said, movies you like, music you listen to, your quarks and differences. I won’t change the way my eyes light up when I get excited. I won’t change the way I cry when I get hungry. I won’t change the way I look at you, make fun of you, jump on you from behind, or accidentally kick your balls. 

I’d like to reinvent myself every decade, but on the inside I’d still be the same. I’m still shy, curious, easily excited, can’t hide my feelings, but I’m not gullible anymore, and I’m not scared anymore, I’m not confused, I know what I can, or cannot do. I’m confident. I know who I am, and whom I’m still becoming. I realized I had to be happy. I had to be happy to keep going. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I’ve now learned to play the game sustainably, and I kind of like it. 

I’d like to reinvent myself every decade, but I also see the beauty of staying the same. I see the beauty of having routines, of doing the same things everyday, of repeating yourself over and over again, because every time you do it, it’s as if it’s your first time. Every time you do it, it’d be like you’ve never done it before, it’d be like a newborn seeing the world for the first time, it’d be a man meeting the love of his life. The law of diminishing marginal utilities doesn’t work here any more, there’d be no habituation, or desensitization, everytime be as brilliant and vibrant.  

Trying new things is exciting, but knowing something old and familiar from inside out like no one else is also such depth that only time and practice can bring. I’d like to know something to that level, something deep, something despite practicing over and over, there’s always room for better, I can always get better. I’d like to require such depth in a certain practice to be the greatest version of myself. I’d like to be trained, like a monk, to restrain myself from all wants, only needs. It’d make me sharp, fast, and focused. I could bury myself in books to cope with almost anything. Until I wasn’t sure if I could be sad and still be a great person. I think for me to be a great person, I have to be happy.

我今年32岁。

我不确定我现在应该在做什么。

我爸30岁的时候，我都已经出生了。

我也不知道我的卵子还能保持多久的活力，但我知道我想要孩子。所以，也许我该考虑冻卵了？

不过那不是很贵吗？

啊不对，我刚刚在说什么来着？

我今年32岁。

我不知道我现在该干嘛。

我好像还是14岁时的那个自己——只是没那么抑郁了，更稳定了，自信了很多。知道自己想要什么，也知道怎么去争取。愿意为了想要的东西去做那些让我不舒服的事。慢慢学会：那些我曾经觉得“我绝对不行”的东西，其实我根本不在乎。而我真正需要的、能让我活着并且快乐的，其实非常少。

我想每十年就重塑一次自己。

光是想想这个点子就觉得兴奋，我真的很想试试。我是个很贪心的人，或者有人说这叫“有野心”。叫什么我倒是不太在意，重要的是：**我想要更多。**更多时间、更多经历、更多成长、更多一切。

我说过，我只活一次。

但相对论告诉我们，如果你移动得太快，当你回到原地时，虽然你看起来还是原来的样子，但你身边所有你在乎的人都已经变老，甚至死去。就像《星际穿越》里的 Matthew McConaughey。

我每次变化太快的时候，就会把人落在后面。

我不想把人落在后面，我想永远和所有喜欢的人、遇到过的人，在同一个时间点上。

你看？我太贪了，

或者说，有野心。

我想要一切，所有时间、所有空间，全都要。

我想每十年都重新来一遍“外在的自己”。

换发型，换妆容，换穿衣风格，换我说话的词语，换吃的东西。

但我不会换我怎么思考、怎么讲话、怎么做事。

我还是会告诉你你不想听的真话，说是为了你好；可当你也这么对我时，我一定会叫你闭嘴。

我还是会死命地抱住 Moira，或者 Luna，或者那时候身边的某个谁，就算她们害羞到想逃走。

我还是会记住你说的每个细节、你喜欢的电影、你听的音乐、你身上的小怪癖和所有不一样的地方。

我还是会因为兴奋而眼睛发光。

我还是会饿了就哭。

我还是会用那种眼神看你，开你玩笑，从背后扑到你身上，不小心踢到你蛋蛋。

我想每十年都重新塑造自己，但内核不会换。

我还是那个害羞、好奇、容易激动、情绪写在脸上的我——

只不过我不再轻信别人了，也不再害怕了，不再困惑了。

我知道我能做什么，不能做什么。

我很有自信。

我知道我是谁，也知道我还在变成谁。

我意识到：我必须快乐。

我要快乐，才能一直走下去。

人生是一场马拉松，不是冲刺。

我现在学会了可持续地玩这个游戏，而且我还挺喜欢的。

我想每十年都重启自己一次，但我也开始觉得，“保持不变”其实也挺美的。

日复一日地重复同一件事，建立起自己的节奏，看起来重复，但其实每一次都像第一次。

每一次做的时候，都像你从没做过，像个新生儿第一次看到这个世界，像一个人第一次见到他一生的挚爱。

“边际效用递减法则”在这时候不成立了。

没有麻木，没有脱敏，

每一次都一样炫目、一样鲜活。

尝试新鲜的东西很刺激，但对一样东西了解得深透到极致，这种深度只有时间和练习才能带来。

我想要那样的一种深度。

我想在某种练习里投入得足够久，成为我最极致的版本。

我想被训练，像一个修行的人。

把所有的“想要”都收起来，只留下“需要”。

那样我会更锋利、更敏锐、更专注。

我可以把自己埋进书堆，靠这个来对抗几乎一切。

直到我开始怀疑一件事：

如果我不快乐，我还算是个“厉害”的人吗？

我后来明白了——

对我来说，如果我想成为一个厉害的人，

我必须快乐。