追求钱还是追求梦想似乎是人们总问我的问题：你要现实一点，不要拍电影、不要学艺术，那不是可以赚钱的工作。还好电影工业在中国全面爆发之后，再也没有人质疑电影赚钱的能力。于是他们又开始说，只有主创才有客观收入，概率太小了，你做不到。我说，我想当导演。

我想当导演，这到底是为什么呢？我很痴迷电影，我痴迷看、我痴迷读、我痴迷看别人拍、我后来越来越觉得，如果我能拍就好了，不知道如果我这样会怎么样、那样会怎么样、这样那样会怎么样。这个镜头如果不这样，他如果不从那边走过来，会怎样？我可以试吗？可以上手吗？

我从没试过可卡因，但据说就是极度兴奋、想法源源不断的感觉，那我想我当时大概high on cocaine，以至于后来住院医生问我，有没有连续很长一段时间极度兴奋、睡不着觉、觉得自己是世界上最强大、厉害的人，我支支吾吾，还真有。我想是目前大半的人生都太抑郁，导致于放开手脚的时候，收不住，也就是我爸常说的我“不懂节制”。这直接被医生称作第一个manic episode，他问我持续了多久。我支支吾吾，不确定是应该报高一点还是报低一点，我决定说实话：大概大半年？他说，超过2周就可以确诊了。我追问，那你怎么知道我有躁郁呢，你又不在场。他说，通过你的描述、如果都是真的，一定是。我想，虽然学过记忆是主观的、不准确的，但会那么不准确吗？我不确定。

我想当导演，当时high on可卡因的我显然完全收不住我的浓厚兴趣。我真的不是想假装好学生，头一个月每天在办公室待到半夜的，是因为我真的看不懂剧本。众多的人名、典故、古代祭祀的乐器等，说来惭愧，我从没读过《封神演义》。也不太确定这里面的各种人物的服装设计、视效设计为什么要具体做成某些特别的模样。这直接导致我很长一段时间里，开跨部门会议的时候，总是听不懂到底大家在讨论什么。我很费力，人物名字不记得、具体场景不记得、有口音听不懂，直接导致老板和同事大翻白眼。我也没意料到，我以为我中文英文都会应该没什么问题才对。我只好开始大看特看剧本。我还没开始见到我想见的东西呢，可不能这么快就给辞退了。

ChatGPT Translation:

People always ask me the same question:

Are you chasing money, or chasing your dreams?

“Be realistic,” they say.

“Don’t make films, don’t study art—that’s not a job that makes money.”

Luckily, after China’s film industry exploded, no one really questions whether filmmaking can be profitable anymore.

So they shifted to a new line:

“Only core creatives make money. The odds are too low. You can’t do it.”

And I said, I want to be a director.

Why do I want to be a director?

I’m obsessed with film.

Obsessed with watching, reading, watching others direct.

And then, more and more, I started thinking—

What if I could direct?

What would happen if I tried this? Or that? Or this and that?

What if the camera didn’t move that way?

What if he didn’t walk in from over there?

Could I try? Could I get my hands on it?

I’ve never tried cocaine, but from what I’ve heard—it’s that feeling of extreme excitement, of ideas pouring out non-stop.

If that’s true, then I must’ve been high on cocaine back then.

Because when I was later hospitalized, the resident doctor asked if I’d ever had a period where I felt incredibly excited for a long time, couldn’t sleep, felt like the most powerful and capable person in the world.

I hesitated… but yeah, I had.

I think I was just so depressed for most of my life, that when I finally let go, I couldn’t stop.

Which is what my dad always says—I “don’t know moderation.”

The doctor marked it as my first manic episode.

He asked how long it lasted.

I hesitated again—should I report high or low?

I decided to tell the truth: around half a year, maybe more.

He said, “More than two weeks is enough for a diagnosis.”

I asked, “How do you know I have bipolar disorder? You weren’t there.”

He said, “If everything you just described is true, then you definitely do.”

I thought: yes, I studied how memory is subjective and flawed…

But that flawed?

I wasn’t sure.

I wanted to be a director.

And that version of me—high on creative cocaine—clearly couldn’t hold back my passion.

I wasn’t trying to play the good student or impress anyone.

That first month, I stayed in the office until midnight every day because I genuinely couldn’t understand the script.

So many names, references, ritual instruments from ancient times.

To be honest, I’d never read The Investiture of the Gods.

I didn’t understand why the costume designs, the VFX, needed to be the way they were.

So for the longest time, in cross-department meetings, I had no clue what people were even talking about.

It was hard.

I couldn’t remember character names, couldn’t remember scenes, couldn’t understand the accents—

And that led to massive eye rolls from my boss and coworkers.

I didn’t expect that.

I thought, I know Chinese and English—shouldn’t I be fine?

So I started reading the script.

A lot.

I hadn’t even gotten to the part I really wanted to see—

No way was I going to get fired that early.