因为我妈自小的忽冷忽热、情绪过山车、毫无预兆的劈天盖脸的长时间咒骂，以及父亲的不讲道理和要求绝对服从，我是个非常典型的anxious avoidant。这跟manic depressive 差不多，只不过是在关系中，在焦虑、和逃避之间不断来回的翻来覆去。

整个大学期间的记忆都非常的阴郁、似乎一直在所有的选择中不断的前进、后退、重新观察、否定自己、结果最后还是作出原先第一反应做出的选择。很简单的事情，不管是去哪所图书馆、晚饭吃什么、到所有待办事项的优先级、不断的因为peer pressure一直出现在早就不该出现的练舞房。更别说在本科专业的选择上，一开始是单纯因为好奇概念性的理论而学习物理、同时也想证明给我妈我也能行（当初做这个选择相关的记忆已经有些模糊），但后来加上的心理学、单纯的是因为我想知道，我怎么了，我妈怎么了，我家里人都怎么了。

ChatGPT translation:

Because of my mom’s hot-and-cold behavior since I was little—her emotional roller coasters, her sudden, long, overwhelming verbal outbursts—and my dad’s unreasonable expectations and demand for absolute obedience, I’m a very typical anxious avoidant. It’s kind of like being manic depressive, except it’s within relationships—constantly flipping back and forth between anxiety and avoidance.

My entire memory of college is dark and heavy. It felt like I was constantly moving forward and backward through every decision—re-evaluating, doubting myself, only to end up making the same choice I initially wanted to make. Very simple things—whether it was which library to go to, what to eat for dinner, the priority order of to-do items—I kept going to dance practice rooms I shouldn’t have gone to, just because of peer pressure.

And that’s not even touching on choosing my major. At first, I studied physics simply because I was curious about abstract theory—and probably also wanted to prove to my mom that I could do it (the memory of that initial choice is a bit blurry now). Later on, I added psychology, purely because I wanted to figure out: what’s wrong with me, what’s wrong with my mom, and what’s going on with my whole family.