Patience is Overrated 

Patience is overrated, I used to firmly believe this. If I could do it faster, why should I take longer? If I can finish work in two hours, why should I sit there for eight. It didn’t make sense to me, why am I being punished for being productive and therefore was assigned more work? It would be unfair to the others, they say. Even if you finish you need to pretend that you are doing something, they say. No, we don’t have more work for you, sorry. Please don’t go do that one thing I didn't tell you to do. Actually thank you for doing that thing I didn't tell you to do. Do you want to run that scanning room / all the related people by yourself? No, your title is still an assistant, you literally joined six months ago. No it’s not just for all the makeup, costumes, special makeup, it’s also for all the props, no, both as big as the cart (轩辕坟妲己马车) and as small as the hairpin (同一场、妲己自刎那发钗）. Oh, please fly some drones over the exterior sets too, we need the size and details of that too, make it a stitched overview like a map. Thanks, you are the best. No, I can’t give you a raise, you joined six months ago.

I mean, I get it. All their reasons seemed quite reasonable. I guess I’m not reasonable. 

Because what is reasoning? I did take this class last year of college that was called “Decision Making and Judgement” under my psychology major. I enjoyed that class so much. I enjoyed all the classes included in the psychology program. I felt like a little kid in a candy shop, yet I never liked sweet things. All of this was stuff I was really curious about, but never had access to. I kept on taking more classes after fulfilling my major requirements, and just hid it under the disguise of “I partied too much, so gotta stay another year”. I was not ready to start using my knowledge yet, I wanted to keep gaining more knowledge. 

Logic, according to chatgpt, is “the study of reasoning—specifically, the rules that govern valid inference and sound argument. At its core, logic helps us figure out what conclusions follow from what assumptions”. But that’s not what I learned. The version I read in that class was that logic requires the elements of a pattern appearing at least three times, for anyone to form a sensible “reason”, what the pattern is, and why the pattern is the way it is. This means that I can’t understand anything that shows up in my life less than twice. But I guess I’m also exceptionally bad at finding out the patterns in certain areas of knowledge, such as human emotions, even if the same patterns have been around me for decades. 

I’m good at reasoning, but I’m bad at feeling. I’m good at sensing, but I’m bad at making sense of the senses. I’m sure I’m not the only one. We are talking about one of the most profound subjects of all time, human emotions. More on this later, as I’m still trying to form my opinions around that. The point is, I’m reasonable. They were not. They were being lazy, so I left. And I kept on leaving. I’m trying to settle, but still not sure how.

I’m not “reasonable”. No, I'm the most reasonable, if we are speaking of reasons, and reasoning for real. I’ve come to realize that people don’t reason, they succumb to their emotions. For a while, I didn't understand that. All emotions ever brought me were devastation, depression, and anxiety. Now I’ve learned to lean into those, I notice it does make life a lot more colorful. I used to always fall into this trap of understanding everything in theory and thinking I knew what it was. I didn’t. The people who do it, live through it do. Not me. I wanted to be like them too, I wanted to live through things too. Maybe I overdid it, maybe I’m still over doing it. But this is for me, just enough.

ChatGPT 翻译：

耐心被高估了，我以前坚信这一点。如果我能更快做完，为什么还要花更长时间？如果我能两小时完成工作，为什么要在那里坐满八小时？这对我来说说不通，为什么我因为高效而被“惩罚”，反而被分配更多的工作？他们说：这样对其他人不公平。他们说：即使你做完了，也要假装自己还在忙。他们说：没有，我们没有更多的工作要给你，抱歉。请不要去做我没让你做的那件事。哦，其实谢谢你做了那件我没说让你做的事。你愿意一个人管扫描间/相关所有人的工作吗？不，你的职位还是助理，你六个月前才刚加入。不，不只是所有妆造、服装、特效化妆，还有所有道具，对，既包括那么大的车（轩辕坟妲己马车），也包括那么小的发钗（同一场、妲己自刎那发钗）。哦，还要用无人机飞一下外景场，我们也需要那些场地的比例和细节，拼一张像地图一样的总览图。谢谢你，你太棒了。不，我不能给你加薪，你才加入六个月。

我是说，我能理解。他们的理由听起来都很合理。我猜，是我不合理。

因为什么是“合理”？我大学最后一年上过一门课，叫“决策与判断”，是心理学专业下的一门课。我非常喜欢那门课。我其实很喜欢心理学专业里的所有课。我感觉自己就像一个走进糖果店的小孩，虽然我从来不爱吃甜的。这些内容我以前一直都很好奇，但从来没机会接触。在修完主修要求之后我还继续选了很多课，然后把这个藏在“我大一玩太疯了，所以要多待一年”的借口下面。那时候我还没准备好去运用这些知识，我只想继续多学点。

逻辑，据 chatgpt 说，是“对推理的研究——尤其是对有效推论和合理论证所遵循的规则的研究。它的核心是帮助我们从前提中得出结论”。但我在那门课里学到的版本不是这个。那门课教的逻辑要求某个模式至少出现三次，人们才会形成一个“合理”的认知，也就是那个模式是什么，以及为什么它是那样的。这就意味着，我无法理解那些在我生命中只出现过一两次的事。但我猜我在某些领域，比如人类情感中，找出规律的能力尤其差，哪怕那些规律已经在我周围出现了几十年。

我擅长推理，但我不擅长“感觉”。我善于感知，但我不擅长把那些感知“搞明白”。我相信我不是唯一这样的人。我们现在说的是人类历史上最深奥的主题之一：情绪。这部分我之后会继续写，因为我现在还在试图整理我对这件事的看法。重点是，我是合理的。他们不是。他们只是懒惰，所以我就离开了。而且我不断地在“离开”。我试图安定下来，但我还不知道怎么安。

我不是“合理的”？不，我是最合理的——如果我们说的是真正的“理由”和“推理”的话。我渐渐意识到，大多数人其实并不是在推理，而是在服从自己的情绪。有段时间我无法理解这一点。情绪带给我的一切只有崩溃、抑郁和焦虑。但现在我学会了靠近它们，我发现这真的让生活更丰富多彩。我以前总会陷入一个陷阱：以为自己在理论上理解了什么，就真的懂了。其实不是。那些真正懂的人，是活过那些经历的人。不是我。我也曾想成为他们那样的人，我也想亲自活一遍。也许我做得太过了，也许我现在还在做得太过。但对我来说，现在这样，刚刚好。