Is patience overrated?
Like I said previously, I wanted to try everything after I finally got exposure to experiences I previously had no access to. I wanted to try to progress at everything fast, not because I had no patience, that was part of it, but not all of it. I wanted to progress as fast as I could in things I was curious about because I was not sure if I could live past 30. Going 30, in my mind, was the end of an era, an era of exploration, growth, experimentation, and learning. Now I’ve learned that’s far from the truth, being 31 going 32, I realize there’s still so much to the world we don’t know. I just learned a few days ago, our universe could likely be in a black hole. That would make sense considering how long our environment hasn’t changed, billions and billions of years. So long that we formed, life formed, we are typing on a machine, and we have AI.
So patience is not overrated. If it wasn’t for the patience, we wouldn’t exist. I wouldn't be here, you wouldn't be on the other side, reading my thoughts. It’s a unique way of connecting, but it's still a way of connecting.
After my dad came, I realized he quickly found his routines. He gets up, makes breakfast for him and us, goes for a walk around Lake Merritt, comes back, makes lunch, takes a nap, and goes on for a walk either at the lake or on the rooftop. Sometimes he goes on another walk to the rooftop while calling my mom on WeChat. My mom no longer texts me and calls me no matter where I am and what I’m doing to trigger me. I still don’t want to talk to her, I really don’t know what is left to say. My dad seems to still have a lot to say to her still though, sometimes I think, they are in love, they’ve always been. For what my mom has done to me, to him, he’s still by her side. My mom seems to be finally learning how to be a mom. I'm not sure if it’s too late. I’m keeping an open mind.
I watch my dad do the same things at same times everyday, I wonder, what’s the appeal in having routines? Is there an appeal to it? I always hated routines, how can I predict at what time I’d be satisfied with whatever it is that I’m doing? I like to do something until I don’t want to do it anymore, then I take a break, until I want to do it again. I heard that’s because Libra is a wind sign. I don’t know what that means, but it does sound like I come and go, with no stability.
I do have something to say about this though. I do have stability. I’ve been after the same things the whole time, I’ve been working toward the same things the whole time, I’ve been still going for what I’d like to do this whole time. I’m consistent. I am stable. What’s more stable than refusing to change your heart and lie to yourself, no I don’t want it anymore, it’s taking too long, there’s no hope, it’s time to give up, it’s time to grow up.
I am all grown. I am 31, going 32. My brain has finished developing. I did wait until 26 to start using a decent amount of certain very safe substances. I can buy anything without question as long as I have the money. I am an adult. I am grown. Do you have to be called immature if you decide to not do what everyone else decides to do? What does everyone else end up doing? Whatever seems to be the easiest? Come on, you don’t expect me to believe your life is necessarily easier than mine, right?
I don’t just believe that we were all dealt with cards of fate, we also follow the script of fate through our lives until our deaths. I always like to say, “I have no choice.” I do feel like I have no choice a lot of times, or should I say, all the time?
ChatGPT 翻译：
就像我之前说过的，我在终于接触到那些以前无法体验的东西之后，想尝试一切。我想在所有事情上都尽快进步，并不是因为我没耐心，虽然那是部分原因，但不是全部。我之所以想在好奇的事情上尽可能快地进展，是因为我不确定自己是否能活过 30 岁。在我脑海里，30 岁意味着一个时代的终结——探索、成长、试验和学习的时代。而现在，我发现事实远非如此。31 岁、即将 32 岁的我意识到，世界上还有太多我们不了解的事情。就在几天前我才刚刚知道，我们的宇宙很可能是存在于一个黑洞之中。想想也合理，毕竟我们的环境已经几十亿年都没有发生什么剧烈变化了。久到我们形成了生命，我们现在能在一个机器上打字，还有了 AI。
所以说，耐心并不被高估。如果没有耐心，我们根本不会存在。我不会在这里，你也不会在另一端读着我的想法。这是一种独特的连接方式，但它仍然是“连接”。
我爸来了之后，我发现他很快就建立起了自己的生活规律。他起床，给我们做早餐，去 Lake Merritt 散步，回来做午饭，午睡，然后再去湖边或者屋顶散步。有时候他还会再去一次屋顶，一边散步一边用微信给我妈打电话。我妈现在不再发短信给我了，而是无论我在哪、在干什么，直接打电话来让我炸毛。我还是不想跟她说话，我真的不知道还有什么可说的。但我爸好像还有很多话要和她说，有时候我会想，他们是相爱的，他们一直都是。即使我妈对我、对他做过的那些事，他还是在她身边。我妈现在似乎终于在学怎么当一个母亲。我不确定这会不会太晚了。我保持开放的态度。
我看着我爸每天在同样的时间做同样的事，我在想，有规律的生活到底有什么吸引力？它真的有吸引力吗？我一直都讨厌规律，怎么可能预测我什么时候会对某件事感到满足？我喜欢一直做一件事，直到我不想做为止，然后休息一下，等我又想做的时候再继续。我听说那是因为天秤座是风象星座。我不太懂这是什么意思，但听起来确实像是我来来去去，没有稳定性。
不过这件事我确实有话要说。我其实是稳定的。我一直在追求同一件事，我一直在为同一个目标努力，我一直都在往我想做的方向走。我是有一致性的。我是稳定的。还有什么比“拒绝背叛自己的内心”更稳定的？我没有骗自己说：我不想要了，这太久了，没希望了，该放弃了，该长大了。
我已经长大了。我 31 岁，即将 32 岁。我的大脑已经发育完成。我确实等到 26 岁才开始稳定使用一些非常安全的特定物质。只要我有钱，我可以不被质疑地买任何东西。我是个成年人。我已经长大了。如果你选择不做所有其他人都在做的事情，就一定是不成熟的吗？那所有人最后都做了什么？选择看起来最简单的那条路？得了吧，你不会真的以为你的生活就一定比我容易吧，对吗？
我不仅相信我们每个人都被命运发了一副牌，我还相信我们一生都在按照命运写好的剧本活着，直到死去。我总是喜欢说：“我别无选择。”我确实常常觉得自己别无选择，或者说，是一直都这样？