Attention High

It was sort of like this high you get from suddenly being exposed to too much attention, or in my case, anxiety, especially when their perception doesn't align with yours of yourself. I was starting to get confused and find myself in a position of always having to explain myself to people, but I didn’t want to. Where I’m from, where I went, what I’m majoring in, where I’m going after college. I did not enjoy college. It offered me an illusion of structure and a sense of direction. I was going nowhere, so I made it clear that I wasn’t. It reflected in my grades. 

After the anxiety, came the exhilaration. It’s like I finally gained the ability to speak, I couldn’t stop talking. I still can’t stop talking, since there are so many things I still want to try and experiment with. Different mediums, different presentations, same themes. I was running the dance team like I was in a school project. I took it very seriously, because I felt I wouldn’t have access to these opportunities to try and fail after I graduate. I felt I was already behind on figuring out myself, so I wanted to try even more, everything everything everything.

ChatGPT 翻译：

那种感觉有点像是一种“上头”，是突然暴露在过多关注之下的那种亢奋，或者就我而言，是焦虑，尤其当别人对你的看法跟你自己对自己的认知完全不一致时。我开始感到困惑，发现自己总处在一种必须不停向别人解释自己的状态里，但我并不想解释。我从哪来、去过哪、主修什么、大学毕业后打算干嘛。我不喜欢大学。它给了我一种结构的假象和方向感。我其实一无所向，于是我也明确地表达了我没有目标。这反映在了我的成绩上。

焦虑过后，是兴奋。就像我终于获得了说话的能力，一开口就停不下来。我现在还是停不下来，因为我还有太多想尝试、想实验的东西。不同的媒介、不同的呈现方式、但讲的是同样的主题。我带舞团就像是在做一个学校的项目。我对它非常认真，因为我觉得毕业之后我就很难再有这种可以尝试、可以失败的机会了。我感觉自己已经落后于“了解自己”这件事，所以我更想去尝试，更多更多更多。