I’m 32. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. When my dad was 30, he already had me. I’m not sure how long my eggs will be good for, but I do know that I want to have kids, which means I should maybe look into freezing eggs soon, but isn’t that expensive, wait, where was I again? 

I’m 32. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m still the same person I was when I was 14, but less depressed, more stable, a lot more confident, know what I want, know how to get what I want, will do what I don’t feel comfortable doing for what I want, learning that all these things I thought i was not ok with I actually don’t care for, and that what I truly need to live and be happy is actually very little. 

I’d like to reinvent myself every decade, that sounds like an extremely exciting idea, an idea I would like to try. I’m a very greedy person, or some people call that being ambitious. What it’s called doesn't matter to me, what matters to me is I want more, more time, more experience, more growth, more everything. Like I said, I only live once. But general relativity tells us, if you travel too fast, when you return, even though you still look the same, you’d realize that your family and friends, everyone you care about would have aged and maybe passed away, like Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar. When I change too fast, I leave people behind. I don’t want to leave people behind, I want to stay with everyone I like and I've met at all times. See? I’m greedy. Or should I say, ambitious. I want everything, everywhere, all at once. 

I’d like to reinvent myself every decade on the outside. I’d change my hair. I’d change my makeup, I’d change the way I dress, I’d change the words I use, I’d change the food I eat. But I won’t change the way I think, the way I speak, the way I act, the way I would always tell you things you don’t want to hear about, say it’s for your own sake, only to tell you to shut up when you do the same to me. I won’t change the way my eyes light up when I get excited. I won’t change the way I cry when I get hungry. I won’t change the way I look at you, make fun of you, jump on you from behind, or accidentally kick your balls. 

I’d like to reinvent myself every decade, but on the inside I’d still be the same. I’m still shy, curious, easily excited, can’t hide my feelings, but I’m not gullible anymore, and I’m not scared anymore, I’m not confused, I know what I can, or cannot do. I’m confident. I know who I am, and whom I’m still becoming. I realized I had to be happy. I had to be happy to keep going. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. I’ve now learned to play the game sustainably, and I kind of like it. 

I’d like to reinvent myself every decade, but I also see the beauty of staying the same. I see the beauty of having routines, of doing the same things everyday, of repeating yourself over and over again, because every time you do it, it’s as if it’s your first time. Every time you do it, it’d be like you’ve never done it before, it’d be like a newborn seeing the world for the first time, it’d be a man meeting the love of his life. The law of diminishing marginal utilities doesn’t work here any more, there’d be no habituation, or desensitization, everytime be as brilliant and vibrant.  

Trying new things is exciting, but knowing something old and familiar from inside out like no one else does is also such depth that only time and practice can bring. I’d like to know something to that level, something deep, something despite practicing over and over, there’s always room for better, I can always get better. I’d like to require such depth in a certain practice to be the greatest version of myself. I’d like to be trained, like a monk, to restrain myself from all wants, only needs. It’d make me sharp, fast, and focused. I could bury myself in books to cope with almost anything. Until I wasn’t sure if I could be sad and still be a great person. I think for me to be a great person, I have to be happy.